I woke up yesterday and seriously thought it was Wednesday, when in fact it was Thursday. I thought about putting up a sign that says something like “Today is [Friday] and today we [work/don’t work].” But then I realized I’d probably forget to update it, and confuse myself even further. Everything is so disorienting, I really need to spend a few minutes each morning trying to remember what I’m supposed to be doing, and when.
Then and Now
Who wants a fun post, full of pictures, to take their minds off all the crazy stuff in the news lately? I know I do!
We’ve obviously seen how quickly life can change when big things happen. Everything seems uncertain now, and we’re not really sure what’s going to be happening in the next few months. Instead of speculating on that, I’m going to focus on how life changes slowly, over the course of a year.
Ahhh
It’s always a toss up what rides home from daycare are going to be like. Some days G will be singing slippery fish to himself, hand motions and all while E is mostly quiet. Other days it’s the opposite. G will be looking out the window, oohing and ahhing at whatever catches his eye, while E tries to tell me stories from the day.
And then there are the other days.
Day 1
Day 1 of whatever we’re calling this. Home isolation? Quarantine and chill? Apocalypse watch? Whatever it is, I’m not a happy camper. Daycare’s closed and work still expects us to work full time from home. I could handle one of those things at a time, but together it’s… rough. I know I’m extremely lucky that I can work from home and that I’m still getting a paycheck right now. But if I had a unicorn to wish on, I’d wish that instead of bailing out big companies, the government sent us all home with pay for 3 weeks so I could focus on keeping the kiddos happy and safe, and not worry about anything else while we’re home.
Sibling Love
We were driving home from daycare the other day, and E was happily holding G’s hand in the backseat. See, every day he makes me slide their seats together after I’ve strapped them in, so they’re close enough to touch. E was talking as he does, about 50% words that I can understand with lapses into his own made up talk. One thing came through clearly though: “My G. He’s my G.. FOREVER. Brother. My brother.”
It's a Lot
Life has seemed a bit harder than usual lately. And not the normal kind of hard. That kind of hard I’m used to – the push through even though you’re tired, get everyone where they need to be and just survive until life calms down type of hard. This is more emotionally hard, and it’s exhausting in a completely different way.
It’s the deep sigh that comes from once again realizing that it’s not that this country isn’t ready for equality, it’s that it doesn’t want it. It’s that familiar feeling of feeling a bit invisible, a bit stepped on, a bit like you’re screaming in a crowded room and no one can hear you. We’ve been here before, we live here. We’ll swallow the pain and move on.
I'm Gonna Hug You and Kiss You and Love You FOREVER
Well… we did it again.
I actually said we wouldn’t this year, and I was okay with that. But then we walked by the place in the mall one day, and E saw the signs advertising the bunnies, and he ran up and hugged them, and told me he wanted to see them.
So we ended up with an appointment. As always, I had my predictions of what would happen, and was completely wrong. One day maybe I’ll get better at predicting how my children will react to situations. Or they’ll keep surprising me - I’m okay with being kept on my toes.
Where We Are
I remember when I used to pray for 30 seconds. 30 seconds where I could slip away, unnoticed, and change out of my work clothes. It would never come – I’d either end up carrying two deceptively heavy children with me, or I’d listen to their panicked screams from down the hall where I’d left them, while I quickly changed my clothes.
Last night, though, it happened. I left them playing in their rooms, and slipped down the hall to change. When I got back, they were still laughing and playing, and hadn’t noticed I’d left. It wasn’t until I was putting E to bed that he realized my shirt had changed, and asked me about it. He likes to play with the buttons on my work shirt, and I wasn’t wearing it anymore.
It's Going to Be a Long Day
Sometimes I feel like a canary. Desperately trying to sound the alarm that the house is on fire while everyone else calmly sips their tea. The truth actually lies somewhere in the middle. A lot of times I’m overreacting to a non problem, and occasionally other people are a bit slow to see a problem that is clear to me.
So on a recent Saturday when I was panicking that the house was about to blow up, Tom wasn’t sure how to react. I was smelling gas in the basement, and desperately trying to convince myself that something had just died down there instead. But I didn’t, I smelled gas.
I Told You
Sometimes I forget.
Until I catch someone looking at me, or I walk by a mirror. And then I remember, oh yes… I’m the adult wearing a Sesame Street shirt. Because it makes my toddler super happy. “My matching you!” he’ll say with a big smile on his face. Right now I’m the coolest person he knows, and I want to hold on to that feeling for as long as I can.
His new chant is “Mama FOREVER!!” which is mostly cute, but it occasionally morphs to “Mama RIGHT NOW forever” with the “right now” coming out as a demand, and the “forever” more a cry, and always happens when he wants me and needs to wait because I’m driving or busy or not there.
A Toddler Update
Let’s do a toddler update, shall we? Toddlers are a ball of distraction and energy, two things we could use right now. Also, does anyone know what comes after “toddler?” Since the baby is quickly claiming that title, I need a new stage for E. He tells me that he’s a big boy, and that I’m a super big boy, but I’m not sure that feels right… preschooler? Elder toddler?
E’s a little introvert who cares deeply for his family and friends. He recently told me that his friends make him happy in his belly. When baby G is crying, E likes to bring him a pacifier and give him a hug. He also likes to tell me “Baby likes me” which I’m pretty sure is true. He also requires lots of downtime (or space as he calls it) after big events and outings.
Another Year, Another Emergency Vet Visit...
We could use some positive thoughts sent our way, please. Our kitty isn’t feel well again. It wasn’t supposed to be like this. We had a health scare last year, and we took care of it. It was supposed to buy us many more years.
Instead we’ve been thrown another curve ball. This one is bigger, and scarier. There doesn’t seem to be a whole lot of options, or time, but we’re hoping for whatever good news we can get.
Our Weekend
Last weekend Tom was sick for most of the day, which left me solo with the kids. I realized that I’ve been orchestrating life lately to ensure that I’m not alone with both of them except for our normal night routine. I’m not sure why I see those two as different. Maybe because we have such a routine to our nights, I view that as normal and not hard. And it’s not like I haven’t been alone with them - over Christmas there were multiple days in a row where it was just me and both the tiny humans. And of course there’s been other random days here and there, but I always end the day exhausted and feeling like I failed both of them. So for whatever reason, we’ve just made it so that most of the time it’s either two on two, or one on one.
A Baby Update
I’ve stopped doing monthly updates now that G is one, which means it feels like forever since I’ve given everyone an update on this little one. I’m starting to wonder if I can even call him the baby anymore. Every day he becomes more and more a toddler, and his older brother becomes more and more a big kid and less and less a toddler. Still, I find myself calling G by “baby” more often than not. My boss has started to call me out on it every time I mention “the baby” in a story. But for now, I’ll give you an update on baby G.
In a lot of ways, G is a typical second child. Both his reactions and actions are completely the opposite of his older sibling. Anything E was/is afraid of, G loves. Anything that’s E favorite, G could care less.
I'm a Car Expert Now
So we’ve been dealing with some car drama since Thanksgiving.
I remember when I was younger thinking that adults knew everything. They always knew what to do, and how to fix things, and I couldn’t wait until I did too. And then you get older and realize no one really knows what they’re doing. Everyone makes mistakes, new situations are always scary, and all we can do is try to build upon past experiences, our own manufactured confidence, and research what we don’t know, in order to get through a new problem.
New problems like navigating your way through lemon laws.
Musings of a Working Mama
The other day I found myself wanting to get pregnant again. It wasn’t so much that I wanted a third kid, but I eventually realized that what I really wanted, was the parental leave. Having Tom get home late from work so many nights in a row makes me long for the days when he was here all day. Maternity leave would mean endless hours to do nothing but spend time with my family. The kids wouldn’t feel neglected (this was a dream remember?), and we’d also be able to get things done around the house.
Brr It's Cold Outside
I'm what they call an inside person. Especially in the winter. Give me a book, a fire, and some coffee, and I'll see you in April. Let’s be honest, even in the summer you’re more likely to see me inside doing craft, baking cookies and organizing closets than see me outside at the beach. It’s not to say I don’t go outside, it’s just not always my first choice.
So when it comes to the kids, I'll build a tower with blocks, teach them to make pancakes, or make elaborate art projects. That’s where my strengths lie. But when they want to go play in the snow, I usually let Tom take the lead. He’s one of those people who actually like the cold, so why not?
Small Moments
You’d think now that we have a one year old and a two year old, things would be easier. And you’d be mostly right. It’s definitely easier than a one year old and an infant. Most days we’re having fun, and have a pretty good routine.
However.
There are still those days. You know the kind. When for no obvious reason, things are just hard. We still have those days. We’ll probably always have them, but I’m hopeful they’ll become less frequent at least.
Starting Off the New Year
Phew. We made it.
A first birthday and Christmas all at once was a lot. Plus daycare being closed and no work and what day is it? We’re all back to our normal routines now, whatever that is.
Because normal changes. A new year means new work assignments and schedules, new car challenges, new teachers, new projects to tackle…
Post Christmas Days
Here's the funny thing about sleep regressions. You forget about the little ones. Everyone talks about the 4 month sleep regression, but there are small ones that happen all the time. You forget about that panic that you have, the thoughts that this will never end or get better. It feels like no one will ever sleep again, and you will die from exhaustion.
And then it magically goes back to normal, and you forget about those days.