None of this is new, and I’m certainly not alone in struggling, but I feel like it needs to be repeated. So much of the country (world?) has moved on. They’ve declared the pandemic over. Masks are gone, people are going to concerts and eating at restaurants and working in the office. Everything is supposed to magically go back to “normal.”
Except.
It’s not true if you’ve got small children.
I don’t even know how to describe life right now. Some moments are calm and I’m so content my eyes well up with happy tears looking at my big beautiful family. Some are so chaotic that I can’t catch my breath and I’m constantly running and I don’t know if my kids are fine or if I’m failing them. And some days I feel like everything I’m doing is wrong and I’m definitely failing them. So I guess if I give you an answer one day and you don’t like the answer, just ask again a few minutes later?
I’ve thought about writing this post a million times, but since we were IN it, it felt like maybe I should wait. Until it was over. Now I’m beginning to wonder if it ever will be over. And the before time, it’s so far away now, that it’s hard to remember.
So here is a very messy, probably very long, in between post about this pandemic we’re living through. Because some day our kids might ask. Because it’s probably not a bad idea to write down some memories. To reflect on the craziness. I’m going to break it up into sections - it probably won’t make it any shorter, but maybe easier for me to write.
We’re creeping up on our two year anniversary of being home. Our two year anniversary of our two week home quarantine. There’s a whole lot of feelings that accompany that, but right now I’m more focused on the fact that I’m going crazy. Two years of not really leaving your house will do that, I’m sure. But here’s the clear evidence: we decided to potty train and sleep train at the same time. I’m not sure how or why this happened, but this is where we’ve found ourselves. We had grand plans to send the third child to daycare so we’d have some time at home to focus a bit more, but daycare messed up those plans. They claimed that one child was sick, so they sent home the whole family. Fine policy in theory I guess, but this is the second time they’ve done that, and we’ve yet to see an actual sick kid. Apparently one of the tiny ones have discovered an easy way to make the teacher believe they’re “sick” and get sent home. I really thought I had years before this level of treachery.
E and I have been discussing time lately. Specifically how it can sometimes go quickly, while other times it seems to take forever. It started during nap time. E is getting to an age where he hasn’t given up naps yet, but he doesn’t take one every day either. We tell him that he can nap if he wants to, and if not he can have quiet time in his room. He usually does a combination of resting in his bed, maybe with a book, or playing with his dollhouse.
Daycare during a pandemic is really hard. We’re not allowed in the building, and we’re not supposed to chat with the teachers when we pick up or drop off. That leaves us knowing very little about what goes on in the classrooms. I used to know the name of every kid in the room, and would spend 10-15 minutes in the room when I picked E&G up. Checking how many diapers they had, if they needed a change of clothes, picking up their artwork, but also seeing how the room functioned and getting to know the teachers. I could see who E&G were friends with, how they interacted in the room, and I felt like I knew what was going on.
All that’s gone now, of course. We get pictures and daily reports, but it’s not quite the same. I have to rely on what E&G tell me directly, which is partial information at best.
Not a ton of time has gone by, but the last post I made had snow on the ground. It’s slow, but things are changing, and for the better. After a year of stagnation, it’s both amazing and unsettling to witness change again.
The weather is definitely warmer, which means more time outside, and with that comes playground dates again. Such a simple thing that we’ve taken for granted in the past, but makes the kids so happy, and tires them out like nothing else. Combined with spending the rest of the day outside at home, they sleep so well too.
So as E tells it, “Our Easter Mouse comes and hides all the eggs!” I’m not sure when it changed from a bunny to a mouse, but either way, eggs were hidden. I saw a tip from a different mom who bought eggs in two different colors for her children, to ensure there was no fighting during the egg hunt. Of course it was after we had gotten out all of our multicolored eggs, but I figured if there was a lot of conflict this year, it could be a backup for next year.
Instead, both G and E were pretty cooperative. Tom and I had to help G a bit to make sure he was finding eggs, but if we told E that a certain egg needed to go to his brother, he was okay with it. By the end, I think the count was 15 to 19 or something like that. Close enough for me.
Confession: I felt like a failure last weekend.
I’ve been feeling guilty that I’m so tired and sick that I’ve mostly taken to watching the kids play while Tom takes the lead. Last week I decided to change that, and came up with a bunch of Easter crafts we could do, and spent time prepping them. I had big plans for the weekend. We’d make muffins to use up the bananas that were sitting on the counter, do some crafts, and even cut everyone’s hair.
E is starting to learn about superheroes, thanks to a few of his friends. It’s all second hand knowledge since he’s never read a book or watched anything with a superhero in it, so the translation is kind of funny. When asked to pick out what superhero he wanted to dress up like, he obviously said Cookie Monster hero, which is how he ended up with a Cookie Monster cape. He’s also been told about “bad guys” so anytime Tom or I say no to something he wants, we’re labeled a “bad guy.” Which at least makes sense, but not all of his uses do. Every morning when I go to work, I tell both kids to “Have a good day!” and E has started replying “Have a bad guy!”
I sat down with the intention to write an update about what we’ve been doing lately. Time has been passing, but since time has no meaning anymore, it’s hard to quantify. I have a lot of half started projects going, that’s for sure.
First I decided it was time to sort through everyone’s clothes. I moved E up to 4T and G up to 3T (they’re honestly the same size, and they weigh the same, but for my sanity this is what we’re doing. Close enough. Except I also decided that they should share a closet now, and the baby will take over G’s closet. Which meant Tom might as well pull out all of the baby clothes from the attic so I could start going through those.
Time seems to be moving quickly so far, which I think is a good thing. I’m starting to pull out maternity clothes (not so much a bump yet, but definitely bigger), and trying to wean down on how much nausea medication I’m taking daily.
E & G have started to talk daily about the new baby, which is interesting to watch. We never sat them down to say that a baby is coming or that things will change, we just sort of keep it as part of the conversation. When E is passing out things (something he manages to do almost daily), he often will name family members. “This one is for Mama, this one is for me, this one is for G…” and he’ll often name one for Maia, our kitty who died almost a year ago. So it’s not that weird to suddenly be naming one for “baby.” A sort of hypothetical entity that can be named.
E’s favorite bird has always been a cardinal. Don’t tell him that you think it’s red, because he calls it the “orange bird.” Luckily we get a lot at our bird feeders, so he’s always happy.
I keep waiting for a goldfinch to show up, because obviously G would love that, but I’ve yet to see one at our house. Instead, we recently had some Chickadees show up. I was super excited, because I’d been mentioning to people that I thought it was weird we don’t see them AT ALL in Massachusetts. I mean, it is the state bird and all..
It’s an old joke at this point in the pandemic, but it’s definitely groundhog day over here. It’s hard to write about anything new, because there’s really nothing new. As our risks increase and the virus has gotten more contagious, we’re leaving the house even less than before. We’re now ordering groceries online and having them delivered to the house, we haven’t seen anyone in months, and while we might have braved a trip to Target occasionally before (okay I’ve gone twice in this pandemic), we’re no longer doing that.
And while I’m cheering everyone I see get the vaccine, since they’re little bits of hope to hold on to, it’s hard too. We know it’s going to be months and months before we’re offered it, and it’s not easy to watch others move on with their life and get to see people and do things that we can’t. And won’t be able to do.
This year has really been an experiment in the minimal amount of brain power required to still function as an adult. Something about this pandemic and repetitive home monotony has turned my brain to mush. Add in all the insane things happening in the world, and my brain just wants to shut down, instead of think of the consequences of an attempted coup.
So of course it’s super fun to add in pregnancy brain, plus nausea medication that includes a time released sleeping pill that keeps me in a never ending fog.
There are a lot of things we’ve lost this year. A lot of traditions broken. Our annual family trip to Maine was cancelled. Birthday parties, get togethers, even the Boston Marathon is going to miss two years. So when I started thinking about what Christmas was going to look like this year, there was one thing I didn’t want to give up. Sure it’s not the most important tradition, and I’m sure the kids wouldn’t have noticed, but I realized it would make me feel a little bit better if this one wasn’t broken.
And honestly anything I can do to feel a little bit normal these days, I’ll take it. My coping strategy with this pandemic seems to be part good enough and part humor. So that’s what led me to order Tom a Santa suit back in September.
We pretty much jumped over this holiday and went from Halloween to Christmas, even putting up decorations a week before Thanksgiving. I was also fully prepared to order pizza and ignore it completely, but in the end we decided to create our own small celebration. It was certainly more simple than anything we’ve experienced in the past - we didn’t even cook a turkey!
On the surface, it feels like you should be able to get all kinds of things done to your house, now that all we do is stay home. In reality, nothing is happening. Finding time to clean our floors seems impossible, let alone do all the home improvement projects my brain can dream up. So it is a VERY BIG THING that we somehow scraped together lunch breaks and half days and minutes here and there to get a big project done.
It’s way scaled back from my original plan, but we’ll call this Phase One. It’s a big improvement from what was there, super pretty and definitely functional. But I might put a hold on any other big projects for a while. It turns out doing these things in a pandemic with two small children is not easy.
We’ll get into the details, but first, a before and after!