I don’t even know how to describe life right now. Some moments are calm and I’m so content my eyes well up with happy tears looking at my big beautiful family. Some are so chaotic that I can’t catch my breath and I’m constantly running and I don’t know if my kids are fine or if I’m failing them. And some days I feel like everything I’m doing is wrong and I’m definitely failing them. So I guess if I give you an answer one day and you don’t like the answer, just ask again a few minutes later?
Seven Months
After a few boring months, this was a big one for you! Not only did you leave the house, you left the state and flew all the way to Florida! And then we discovered that you aren’t really used to being outside, and it’s a huge adjustment. We’ll just say it wasn’t your favorite, so after a trip to a playground, a hike to the river, and a farmer’s market all in the first two days, we mostly let you stay in the house after that.
Green Day
At this time of year I am 100% looking and planning forward to all the events in the next two months, since April and May are always busy months for our family. So St. Patrick’s Day is not much more than an annoyance. Weird coming from the person with Irish heritage, but “celebrating” this holiday has always had negative connotations to me - pinching and food I don’t like and alcohol. It was the one day I always made sure to not be home when I lived in Southie.
More Thoughts on Florida
There was so much prep work for this trip. So much. It had been two years since we’d really gone on a trip like this, plus this was our first trip as a family of five, and had so many unknowns, so I think we went a bit overboard. Our motto was better to be prepared than surprised, but I think it worked.
Aside from packing suitcases, flights and having a place to stay, there were other details. Leading up to the trip we rented baby gear and coordinated it getting dropped off at the rental house. We put in Amazon and Target orders of snacks and toys and diapers and anything we could possibly think of needing while we were there. There were things like masks to think about and any other Covid related extras to plan for. We rented a car, asked someone to check on the cats, and figured out the car seats.
A Trip, Two Years Late
I really never thought it would happen. I refused to pack suitcases, I didn’t have a rental car booked - I was so sure that something would go wrong and we’d cancel again. I was having some major flashbacks to the last time too. When we had our paper chain countdown going, and I had to throw it away before we reached the end, and then sit my two year old down and tell him that we’d be staying home for a while.
So I guess this post is fitting to follow the last one. I wish I could say it’s a triumph over the pandemic, but it’s not. We still have a 60% unvaccinated household, although I hold out hope that will change by this summer. But maybe we’re slowly finding a way to live with this pandemic. To find a way to live but also be safe? I hope that’s the case.
The Pandemic Post
I’ve thought about writing this post a million times, but since we were IN it, it felt like maybe I should wait. Until it was over. Now I’m beginning to wonder if it ever will be over. And the before time, it’s so far away now, that it’s hard to remember.
So here is a very messy, probably very long, in between post about this pandemic we’re living through. Because some day our kids might ask. Because it’s probably not a bad idea to write down some memories. To reflect on the craziness. I’m going to break it up into sections - it probably won’t make it any shorter, but maybe easier for me to write.
Small Updates
Sometimes I feel like there’s nothing to update because every day seems the same, but at the same time everything changes so quickly that I have too much to share. Like E’s favorite song lately is Rihanna’s Umbrella (because what a cool thing to sing about!) and G’s favorite song is ABCDEFU (“She sings it wrong!”).
The baby baby is suddenly huge. I looked at her the other day and almost didn’t recognize her face. It doesn’t help that I think daycare has been brushing her hair so it doesn’t always stick straight up anymore, but suddenly she has these big cheeks too! She’s also huge, I just weighed her and she’s about 17 lbs which means she’s moved up a diaper size and a sleep sack size, but long gone is my tiny ity baby. It’s okay, because she’s almost entering a really fun phase, where she’ll be able to sit and play with us, and she’s starting to get really excited about food. I still don’t really have the energy to want to feed her table food even daily, but occasionally she’ll get to chew on something we’re eating and so far she loves it. And if not, she just chews on my shirt instead.
Six Months
By some weird turn of the calendar, you don’t really get a half birthday this year. It’s better than being born on a leap day, sure, but it did give me a bit of pause when deciding when to celebrate. The answer of course was whenever we wanted to.
This was a big month for you - you started daycare! You were getting extremely bored at home every day, and seem to be doing well at school. Except for the first day when you came home so exhausted you could barely make a noise or keep your eyes open, you’ve adjusted great. You don’t cry at drop off, and they say you’re happy during the day. E occasionally peeks in the window at you and finds you napping in a crib. It’s both weird and fun to be driving home from pick up with three children in the car. Sure it takes us a while to get everyone strapped in, but you’re a pretty good sport. I don’t want to jinx us, but you may be my baby who has hated the car the least. Not enough to sleep in the car, but I’ll take neutrality.
V-Day
Is there a limit to what I’m willing to do to make my children happy, assuming it’s something I’m able to do? I’m seriously asking, because I haven’t found it yet. Instead, I find myself decorating the entire house for Valentine’s day, when I’m pretty sure I used to hate Valentine’s day and would often wear black in protest. And then when a certain preschooler tells me that we need to decorate MORE, and this should include Elmo and Abby decorations, I find myself hand creating them out of construction paper.
This Season
Nothing about this pandemic makes sense to me anymore, but one of the more annoying things is that some daycares let parents into the buildings while others do not. I understand the logic, and I’m not someone who’s going to fight against people who are trying to keep my children safe, but I will admit that it would be so much easier if I was allowed inside the building.
Yes I’d like to be able to see what’s going on in my children’s classroom, and be able to check that they have enough extra clothes that still fit them and if the baby needs more diapers or not, but also because it would be easier to gather everything. It would be nice to be able to strap the baby into car seat and gather all the things that need to go back and forth every day from inside a building. And not in the cold or the rain.
Five Months
Well this month you have officially moved from a baby that is content to be along for the ride, to our ‘baby baby’ who wants to explore and do. No longer can we put you down on the floor with some toys and expect you to be content. You need to be entertained and experience and see new things. Which has been hard since we haven’t left the house this month. It makes me hopeful that your transition to daycare will be smooth, though. The other day E was explaining to you what daycare would be like. He was telling you what your room was going to look like, and made sure you knew that he’d be able to see you and check on you through the windows multiple times per day.
Barely Two
My alarm has been going off at 5:30 recently, which is actually sleeping in for me. I get up, make breakfast for E and G, shower and get myself dressed, and then I’m on kid duty. It becomes a very loud and wiggly assembly line as each child needs to be changed and dressed and chased around the room. So many wiggly feet to capture with a sock.
I was halfway through dressing the smallest, and trying to corner the middle since he was next, when E caught me yawning one morning. “Mama are you tired?” he asked me.
The Crazy Sets In
We’re creeping up on our two year anniversary of being home. Our two year anniversary of our two week home quarantine. There’s a whole lot of feelings that accompany that, but right now I’m more focused on the fact that I’m going crazy. Two years of not really leaving your house will do that, I’m sure. But here’s the clear evidence: we decided to potty train and sleep train at the same time. I’m not sure how or why this happened, but this is where we’ve found ourselves. We had grand plans to send the third child to daycare so we’d have some time at home to focus a bit more, but daycare messed up those plans. They claimed that one child was sick, so they sent home the whole family. Fine policy in theory I guess, but this is the second time they’ve done that, and we’ve yet to see an actual sick kid. Apparently one of the tiny ones have discovered an easy way to make the teacher believe they’re “sick” and get sent home. I really thought I had years before this level of treachery.
Things I Don't Want to Forget
Right now when G is trying to tell you something, he’ll often add on his version of “also” to continue the train of though. Except he pronounces it “aw-soh-lee” and it’s the cutest thing I’ve ever heard. And I never want to forget him when he’s this little and pronouncing this word like this.
I don’t want to forget E calling to me from the back of the car randomly that “Mama, some day when I’m older I’m going to tell you I want to do gymnastics. I’ll let you know.” I clarified that he didn’t want to do them now, he didn’t talk to anyone at school about them that day either, so I’m not sure why it was on his mind, but not to worry - he’ll let me know when he’s ready.
A Curious Birthday
Usually it’s great having a child who likes everything. He’s almost always excited, and it’s very easy to make him happy. The downside, though, is it’s hard to figure out what he likes. Obviously the answer is everything, but when you’re trying to buy him a present, or pick a birthday theme, “everything” isn’t the most helpful answer. Add in the complication of trying to make sure it’s something that he likes, and not something he’s just copying from his brother, and we were coming up pretty empty.
Christmas 2021
Christmas morning started with a bang - well a few of them actually. I was so busy I hadn’t looked out the window to notice all the ice that had accumulated overnight. We live on a pretty steep hill, so when my attention was finally pulled outside, there were two cars off in front of our house and a few more at the bottom of the hill.
Our neighbors were already out trying to help, but they couldn’t even stay on their feet on the road. I sent Tom out with some salt to see if it would help. For the next hour, the kids and I got to watch everything from people skating down the hill to the backhoe pulling cars out of the ditch - really if you’re going to get in an accident, this isn’t the worst place to do it! On that vein, it also helps that our neighbor’s son works for the next town over and was out salting the roads. Since our town wasn’t doing much, my neighbor got her son to do a quick detour and get our street salted.
Four Months
More than once this month I’ve said that I think we’ve found our loudest child. You have found your voice and you love to sing and make everyone know that you have opinions. You are making sure that you will not be a forgotten third child. I’m not sure how you could be, you’re everyone’s favorite. Even the cats like to come check on you multiple times a day. Your siblings are still your favorite - after a particularly fussy day, the first time you seemed truly happy was at the end of the day when I set you up watching G.
Merry Christmas
Wishing you all a fairly peaceful day full of coffee, yummy food and lots of colorful packages. We’ll be doing our best to control the discarded wrappings and will try to play with every new toy at once and somehow still make sure the littlest Spearson gets a nap or two. We usually eat cinnamon buns for breakfast and order Chinese food for lunch. And otherwise try to stay home in our PJs all day. Maybe we’ll listen to some Christmas music, or watch Trash Truck’s Christmas special for the 8th time this week.
Three Years
The other morning I woke you up and told that you while you were two years old that morning, you’d soon be three! And you said “No! I’m your baby always!” and then you had me scoop you up and rock you in my arms. It was just what my soul needed as I mourn all of my children growing way too fast. But then again, you always seem to know what other people need lately. I’ve dubbed you a caregiver more than once lately. You often tell me that if I’m scared it’s okay, because you’re here for me. And we all call you our Italian grandmother, since you love feeding people. It brings you so much joy, and you won’t take no for an answer. No one can come into our house without getting some of your meal fed to them. You also will seek out my water from across the house and bring it to me to make sure I’m drinking enough water.
What Have We Missed?
On a totally out of order post, I realized I never talked about Thanksgiving! It’s not completely surprising because on my constant to do list of things I would like to be doing, somehow typing ends up at the bottom. Having two hands is a privilege I don’t often have. I’m getting more sleep lately, which is great, but it means I have less time for other things. Trade off.
But I did want to quickly mention some things to cement the memories which will certainly disappear.