As with my last pregnancy, I have a few posts that I wrote a while ago, before I'd told many people I was pregnant. I'll be periodically posting them now to catch up...
4 Weeks
After hoping, and praying, and second guessing, and worrying.. here we are again. Slightly different than last time, but also so much the same.
Am I experiencing symptoms so much earlier this time? Or am I just aware of what they are so I notice them earlier? Or am I just imagining them because I know what's to come? It's a weird mind game.
On one hand I feel like it's way too early to have symptoms. On the other hand, I swear I've felt pregnant for over a week now. One of those, I just knew, things. Suddenly I was eating avocado every day again. I was cramping and feeling things I hadn't felt since last time. So much so, when I woke up early one Sunday morning, I decided to take a test. It was early. Earlier than I should have been testing, but what the hell, I figured I'd try.
When I picked up the test and saw only one line, I immediately was SO disappointed. More than I had been in the past. I knew I shouldn't be hopeful, but it was still so sad to see. And then I looked closer. Wait. Am I seeing things, or is that a faint, slight, second line?? And then my heart started racing and I was in total shock. No amount of thinking or guessing prepares you for that second line. It's unbelievable.
And then I.. did nothing. It was only 6am and everyone else was still asleep. I paced, I debated waking Tom up, I squinted at the line(s). And then I took another test. Different brand, same thing. A slight, second line. At only 9 days post ovulation. And then I started counting forward nine months.
Timing is a funny thing. It gives the illusion that you can plan it, control it. But that's not how it works. We had a vision - baby #2 would be born in September, and I'd be home for the fall. I'd be home for Halloween and Thanksgiving and Christmas and it would all work out so perfectly. Except it didn't.
Once upon a time I said that I didn't want a baby due any time between Thanksgiving and Valentines day. It was too busy of a season, it wasn't fair to the kid, it just wasn't a good time. We'd skip any cycle that fell within that range. And then.. we didn't. And suddenly we're dealing with the worst timing, it seems, but we don't care. Because we're so, so, happy. And because we've just been given the best gift that we don't care when we get it.
So for now, I'm sitting here smelling the strongest banana I have ever smelled before, and wondering if that nausea I'm feeling is real or made up..
