Dear G and E,
I wonder when you grow up, if you’ll remember this time. Is this one of those things that is so life changing that it will forever be one of your earliest memories? Or will you only repeat stories you’ve been told over and over. Although you’re young, you’re aware that things are different now, even if you don’t understand why.
You know that you used to go to daycare most days, and that you’d see your friends and sing songs. You used to have days where you wouldn’t see me or your Dah when you woke up or went to bed, because we were “working in the city.” Now, though, you see us all the time. There is no more working in the city, you tell us that Boston is closed. There’s no more swim lessons, trips to Target, or seeing friends and family. There is only staying home, but not the same sort of staying home you’re used to on the weekends.
This staying home has weird rules. Rules that tell you that you can’t play with Mama, even if you can see her. Because somehow I’m expected to do my job and care for tiny children at the same time. And even though it doesn’t feel it, we’re lucky that’s the case. I know we’re lucky – having all this time together when you’re small should be, and is, a gift. But it’s also scary and disruptive and stressful. It’s hard to enjoy something while you’re scared and anxious. We’re trying though.
I hope we’re able to keep the scary parts from you. I wonder how old you’ll be before you understand what happened during this time period, and how it will compare to your memories. If you’ll be able to fill in the gaps to the things you didn’t understand or didn’t see. You didn’t see us planning every night what the next day would look like. Who would attend a virtual meeting while the other one played on the floor with the two of you. You didn’t see us coming up with activities that would hopefully keep you entertained the next day, creating schedules so you’d feel like you had some structure to your day.
You did see us working, and interacting with co-workers – something completely new to you. It is a bit cool to introduce you to people who have heard so many stories and seen your pictures, even if only by video chat. It’s also nice for you to see a bit of what we do for work. You both want to sit on my lap and play with my computer and “help me” all day. It’s adorable, and so not helpful to getting actual work done.
Right now our lives are consumed with anxiety and isolation and worry. We’re not sure what’s coming or if we’ll make it to the other side of this. Will life go back to normal? Will we be changed by this? I don’t see how we won’t.
For now I’ll do the only thing I can. Pray that we get through this okay, and focus on making the most of this time we have together.
I love you both,
Mama.
