Just Me
Sometimes I feel like this past year has turned me from Caitlin into a mom, and nothing more. Don't get me wrong, being a mom is awesome, but every once in a while something happens that leaves me feeling a little funny. Someone will ask me a question I normally would know the answer to, and I realize I have no clue.
For instance, I went to a Red Sox game recently! There was a time where I'd go to 10-15 games a season, and lately I'm lucky when I average one. This was actually a pretty easy game to go to, but it still required a bit of planning. I went with my co-workers, and it was a 1:05 game. Tom worked from home so he could do daycare pickup, but I still managed to get home for bedtime.
During the game, someone asked me a question about the pitching rotation. I had no clue. Then they asked me about a player's time on the DL. Again, no idea. There was a time when I had all Red Sox statistics memorized. I watched most of the games, and if I didn't, I knew if we won or lost the night before. Now? I can't even tell you our standing in the AL East.
I also can't tell you what movies are playing, or what guests were on the Tonight Show last night. Somehow I used to have all this extra time. And now if I have a few minutes, I usually end up doing something baby related. Buying 12-18 month PJs because E's going to need them soon. Researching forks that are easy for babies to use. Rescheduling E's one year checkup. Organizing all the photos or videos we take of him.
If there's any time left after that, I'm probably enjoying a coffee, zoning out to the one TV show I haven't given up watching, or going to bed early. Because sleep.
Every once in a while I see a comedian advertised or an event in the city that I would have gone to once upon a time. And if I still really wanted to go, I'd make it happen. But more often than not it seems like too much work to figure out the logistics. It's not the same as just going after work with no consequences.
Part of the problem, I guess, is I don't feel like a mom. I feel like me, but with less time. I feel like halfassed me. I'm sure E believes I'm a mom, but I keep waiting for the moment when I'm like, yup this is who I am. Most of the time I still feel like I have no idea what I'm doing and I'm still trying to figure out where this almost toddler came from!
Still, if I think about it? I'm happy where I am. I can see this change that has happened, and it feels weird and foreign, but okay. I'm definitely not who I was before, but I'm okay with it. I think I like being a mom - whatever that is.
It's hard because I don't want to feel lost in motherhood. I want to still be the person I was before. I want to be more than just E's mom, because I know if I get too caught up in that identity it won't be healthy for E, and I won't be able to let go when I need to. I know he'll be happier if I'm happy with myself. I need to be Caitlin first, and E's mom second.
So I work hard on a balance. I know that the cuddles after I've been away are that much sweeter. I know that the time he spends alone with Tom is beneficial to both of him. And I know he's fine when I'm gone.
PS this isn't related to anything except small things that make me happy. Besides the fact that summer came crashing into Boston last week (97!!), look at that mpg! My favorite game to play in the car is how long can I coast, and how high can I get up my average miles per gallon...