Missing Pieces
When you're younger and you think about your future, there might be a hypothetical family. With some fuzzy, undetermined number and gender of kids running around. It's all purely theoretical, so I never worried too much about it besides to know that I'd like to head in that direction.
I’ve officially moved from the “I’d like to have a family and kids someday” to being in the middle of making it happen. But I’m not on the other side yet, where I’ll know what that family looks like. It’s a weird place to be. A short period of your life when things change very rapidly. I’ve gone from being single, to married and living with someone, to having a kid, in a relatively short period of time. But even with all that, there’s more change to come. Our family is unfinished, and there’s no way to look ahead and know when it will be finalized.
It never bothered me before, the not knowing how many kids I’d have or what gender they’d be. I figured it would sort itself out in the future, and didn’t spend a lot of time thinking about it. But now? It just feels like I’m looking at a half completed puzzle and I can’t stop trying to put it together even though I know I’m missing pieces. Now those hypothetical fuzzy children suddenly have one very defined kid. It's weird to have part of the story so clearly defined when there are still huge gaping holes.
Will E have a brother? A sister? Both? The only thing I'm fairly certain of is that he'll have at least one of them. Tom and I both feel very strongly that we don't want him to be an only child, so the only thing we know for certain is that our family does not feel complete right now. Which means that some day, I plan on being pregnant again.
I don't want to say that I hated pregnancy, because most of the time I didn't. Sure, there were times I definitely did. Other times I was annoyed by it, or indifferent, but occasionally I did enjoy it. I will say that I think I enjoyed it less than most people, though. Which is why I'm surprised to discover that lately, I kind of miss being pregnant.
It's weird to spend 9 months thinking about something all day, every day... and then have it go away. (Almost as weird as having a tiny human appear in your life). I spent 9 months never being alone. And all of a sudden I feel a bit emptier. Very aware that I am the only person in my body. Now that's a weird sentence to write. I spent 30+ years being the only person in my body - that should be the normal state.
Lately, though, I've missed having that company.
I wonder if this means I'll enjoy pregnancy more the next time around? I'll be more prepared for the bad parts, more excited for the good parts? It's quite possible, though, that I'll immediately remember why I didn't love it that much and declare myself insane for ever wanting to do it again. It's so true that the bad parts fade from your memory pretty quick. Maybe I should go back and re-read some old blog posts...
I'm also certain that it will be a very difference experience, if only because I'll be pregnant and chasing around a child at the same time. Which, HOW EVEN? I don't think I really comprehend how people have more than one child. A eight month old is already enough to exhaust me...
I'm sure I'll figure it out, like I've had to figure out everything else in life, but for now I'm very happy that today is not that day.
All this to say, I think I've spent too much time in my head lately!